I feel blessed.
Her name is Sophie and she will arrive towards the end of September. As I feel for her movements on the surface of Kelly’s stomach, I’m reminded of how many changes I’ve experienced over the past seven months… and how many more I will go through in the coming years.
Kelly and I met last year during a social media Recruiting conference in Canada.
Prior to the event, I only knew her casually on Twitter. I think our first interaction had something to do with stealing a lonely cookie from a co-worker’s desk. Ben Eubanks and I were encouraging her to go for it – #randomness.
As I walked through the doors of the conference that day, I remember spotting Kelly and having the strangest feeling come over me. Here was this spunky, fun-loving, highly spirited girl from Buffalo, NY whom I’d never met before. Yet, I ignored the entire 100+ person group, walked straight to her and gave her a hug. I don’t know why, I just did.
I felt then as I feel now… I had met my soul mate.
The best way I can describe it is to have you imagine reuniting with someone that you love dearly, you’ve missed endlessly and that you’ve felt incomplete without. It’s something I can’t fully put into words, but it hit me over the head (and heart) like a ton of bricks. It was magic!
Timing, Timing, Timing
Unfortunately, that magic moment came with a certain amount of complexity. My life was in a state of flux.
For many years leading up to that day, I had been struggling in my marriage. Like so many relationships, my partner and I had experienced our highs and lows. A few months prior to the conference, I had reached my tipping point and knew it was finally time to move on.
We had split up before on a couple of occasions – once even before getting married in 2000 and again in 2006 after the “lows” reached an all time high.
After the 2006 break-up, and within months of us agreeing to give it another shot, we moved to Texas so that she could pursue a promotion. Unfortunately, geography and time weren’t the cure and problems started to creep back in.
That said, we had been together since the age of 17. We had built a history together and enjoyed some pretty significant moments. Living abroad in Argentina, going through college, buying our first house, starting our careers – the list goes on and on.
Comfort is a powerful force in relationships. I’ve seen it in others and I witnessed it myself. Perhaps it’s the comfort of knowing what to expect… the unknown can be a scary place. I attribute the length of my past relationship, in large part, to this factor. We had spent nearly half of our lives together – this was someone I had grown up with.
Unfortunately, comfort doesn’t cure dysfunction and at the age of 30, I knew I had to make some hard decisions. So, I created a list.
- Family – I had wanted children for 8 years and she still wasn’t ready. I wasn’t confident that she ever would be.
- Priorities – Often times, it felt like the pursuit of material possessions took precedence over being grateful for what we had – nothing ever seemed good enough and that really conflicted with my values.
- Personalities – She was always very stable while I enjoyed taking risks. I tend to live in the now and she was very calculated. This caused major friction.
- Dispositions – She is very intellectual and I’m very creative. I’m very social and she enjoyed time to herself. It ended up as a tug-o-war.
Thinking back, for the longest time, I really bought into the idea that opposites attract. I was under the impression that opposing qualities were what led to a stronger pairing… differences were to be seen as compliments. In reality, the differences created friction, which led to misunderstandings, which led to a communication breakdown and, ultimately, a breakdown in the relationship.
She had everything society conditioned me to look for: beauty, ambition, intelligence and success. In the end, it was a matter of value alignment and ours were too far apart for a successful marriage to thrive.
Turbulent Transition
Change is hard.
When it comes to matters of the heart, everything is infinitely more complex. Of course, if I didn’t care, it may have been easy. But, I did.
As I did my part to prepare for the split (financial preparation, taking counsel with people I trust, etc…), I started to find a new level of self-acceptance from making a decision. This led to accepting my spouse in a different way. I finally realized that it wasn’t just about me being happy – we both needed to find our own way.
For however much our values were misaligned, I knew that someone out there would be a perfect match for both of us. It may seem minor, but this conclusion was very alleviating. I knew it was best for us both – even if she wouldn’t see it that way in the beginning.
She deserved to be with someone that valued her for all of the fantastic attributes she brings to the table. I too wanted to find someone who valued me for me.
A couple of weeks before I was ready to deliver the news, I took the trip to Canada. I already explained what happened when I entered the conference. However, despite the feelings, I knew it would be complicated. A plethora of thoughts went through my head:
- People don’t know I’m about to file for divorce… this is going to be hard to explain.
- I don’t want people to think that Kelly is trying to steal away a married man – that’s not how this happened nor how she deserves to be perceived.
- Wow, this is going to be complicated!
- I really don’t want my spouse to be confused as to why I’m filing for divorce.
- Is this a sign?
- This has to be a sign.
- I’m in charge of my own happiness.
- The people who know and care will understand.
As soon as I arrived back to San Antonio, I started the final processes. Two weeks later, I delivered the news and moved out of the house.
I hate hurting people’s feelings. While I knew it was the right thing to do, I felt like a major failure.
About a week later, she brought Kelly up in a conversation. I again explained what my reasons were for leaving, but I fear that they have since been overshadowed. It’s really unfortunate.
Since filing in October, my life has been a roller coaster. What was originally expected to conclude by December has stretched on. Seven months, multiple court appearances, four lawyers, hundreds of emails and thousands of pages of discovery documents… not fun. The emotional highs and lows have been tremendous.
Why Am I Sharing Now?
My writing and creativity have been seriously impacted. I wasn’t sure what to write or how to convey the emotions I was experiencing. Discussing recruitment topics seemed secondary to what was really on my mind. I’ve found that I enjoy writing about lessons I’m living – this wasn’t one that was easy to convey.
I’ve definitely come up with plenty of blog posts – perhaps for sharing down the road.
- Twitter In The Courtroom
- Divorce in the Age of Social Media
- Why Facebook Created “It’s Complicated”
- I Love Hate Love Hate Love Lawyers
- 10 Ways To Lose Your Ass In A Divorce
- Lessons I’ve Learned From Failing At Marriage
In all seriousness, since originally disclosing this situation back in October, many things have occurred. At the time, I said:
“I am personally challenged with owning an authentic voice comprised of only partial reality and experience.”
That feeling still exists.
In addition, lawyers and friends suggested that I keep the topic off of Twitter, Facebook, my blog and other outlets until a conclusion had been reached. While this hasn’t completely been the case, I’ve pretty much gone dormant with the issue. That stance, however, no longer seems like the right thing to do.
Kelly and I are having a baby and it’s a very exciting time in our lives. I realized the other day when she said, “It’s too bad I can’t announce my baby shower on Facebook.” that this situation has all but eliminated both of our abilities to openly enjoy this experience.
For however challenging my situation ends up being, it doesn’t seem fair to Kelly, her family, my family or our friends across the country to not share in this time with us. And, let’s face it; the baby is coming whether the attorneys can sort this out or not.
Life hasn’t always gone as planned, but I still want to enjoy and celebrate the good things. Regardless of the challenges this presents, I still feel blessed…
I feel blessed for having Kelly in my life. Even though she didn’t cause my marriage to fail, she has been put under an intense amount of legal scrutiny. All the while, she has been a rock for me – even when going through a very difficult first trimester with Sophie. You are my soul mate Kelly and I love you!
I feel blessed for my future daughter. I’ve looked forward to Sophie for years and I’m so very grateful to be having her enter our lives. You are a gift Sophie and I promise to have some red shoes waiting for you 
I feel blessed for having an amazing family. They’ve listened to the ups and downs for months and I know it’s been hard. They’ve accepted Kelly into the family and I can’t wait for what the future holds.
I feel blessed for having fantastic friends. Y’all know who you are. Thank you for lending your shoulders and giving me the support I needed. It means the world to me.
I feel blessed for my experiences. This hasn’t been easy and I’m sure I have some rough patches ahead. Nonetheless, I’m learning and I intend to grow as a result of this time period in my life.
Time marches forward. I learn, I grow, I fall, I get back up. I’m on a journey and I feel blessed.
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